OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
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Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all