Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

he’s doing your taxes

It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*

Adam: That’s not funny.

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

A game married people play.

Blocking them isn’t enough. I hope they get unexpected guests.

PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.

The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married

Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.

[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise

When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?

wife: you deserve this

me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?

wife: we’ll find out