Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

Friends that check up on you >

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life

me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand

toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…

‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’

Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.