Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.

Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

Don’t snitch tag.

discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

“Can I have $20?”

-how teenagers say hello

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex