Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”

TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.

“Can I speak to your manager please?”

“I AM the manager”

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!

Me in December: Son of a b****

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.

4: *hands me a broken toy*

Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it

4: ok but be careful next time

Me:

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife

My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.

OH. COME. ON.

me: you look thinner

friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh

me: meat

friend: what

me: what

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!

Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son

My son: say your line mummy!

Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme