Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

My child is going to be really mind blown someday when she buys her first box of lucky charms and realizes that her mother has been eating 90% of the marshmallows for 18 years.

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

The toothpick museum hates to see me and my mini chainsaw coming.

Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.

They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.

me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*

[20 minutes later]

me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”

My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”

There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.