Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
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14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.