Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
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I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*
I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
No regrets in 2018
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit