Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other

Please bear with my nonsense…

…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.

People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.

Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”

I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

and now we wait

best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker

Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.

Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.

If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

[ER visits, by age]

Doctor: How did this happen?

Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.