Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?

@funTweeters I am at your service….

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.

Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?

If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.

Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!

Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.

No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

I don’t get marriage