Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
You Might Also Like
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired