Obituaries should have clickbait titles
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One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
My first child will be named New Folder.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”