Obituaries should have clickbait titles
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Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.