Obituaries should have clickbait titles
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Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*