Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

Beware of the “party goblin”…

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

Them: I don’t like you.
Me:

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups

My rap name is When i$ Lunch

Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.

Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.

The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.

Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*

Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren