OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
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Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
how to have fun when you’re poor
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
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HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.