OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
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*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
relationship goals
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Get in loser we’re going crying
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Bit chilly again tonight.
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.