Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

I think this cat is broken

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.

Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.

How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a

My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet