Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.

My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.

If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.

ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?

The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy

Ha.

I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.