Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard

It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.

Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo

*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

cat vs inanimate object

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.