Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
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Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
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I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
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Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.