Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
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*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”