Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
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I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
hello pervert is such a strong opener
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.