Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”

Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan