Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
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In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
New menu item
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*