Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.

I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.

“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?

Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.

BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.

BOND: I’m a spy.

ME: You are bad at all parts of this.

Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

*bugs bunny*

bunny: stop bothering me

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.

[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no