Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
You Might Also Like
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
when there are deer in the woods
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I need to update my racial profile.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.