Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
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Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Happy Caturday!
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
🤣🤣
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*