Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
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A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.