Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
You Might Also Like
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
I don’t know what to do
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.