Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne

Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you