Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

I’m not touch-starved, I’m just a little touch snacky. I could eat some touches

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.

texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

🍂🕷️🍂

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.