Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
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I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
#Caturday
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.