Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
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On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
buying dead houseplants to save time
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”
*lost my marbles*
Weighs myself
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”