Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
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Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
that de-escalated quickly
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁