Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

My little girl will never have daddy issues.

But her future boyfriends will.

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.

-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.

– spider moms, probably

Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.

Who chose this font

interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?

me: flattery

interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?

me: that smile

interviewer: 😳

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!