Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?

Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!

Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars