Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?

Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…

*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.

Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall

King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra

[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]

Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.

the way this pissed me off… 😭

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

Cake safety first. Always.

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

The future is now.

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!

The evidence to the contrary:

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

operators are standing by to ignore your call

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”