Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

“Are you ready to rock?”

Scissors: no

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

Horrifying if literal: foot locker

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others

“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.

My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.