It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
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Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I love it all
#inspiration #foodforthought
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
A fake ID that makes you younger