Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.

Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

im gay on my mothers side

Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!

Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?