Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.

Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.

The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die

imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush

More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese

Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*

Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.