Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this has to be peak English

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority

Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?

Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*

Confusing my 12 year old..

12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?

Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!

12: So???

Me: I don’t wanna get wet…

12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

*first day working the gas pumps*

Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’

Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?

Me: Between 8am and 12pm

Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.

Tired of actually helping? Try prayer

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING

Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.

Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.