Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]

EARTH: yo

GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

You better watch out

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot

Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.

What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.⁣⁣

Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.

Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.