observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
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Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up