observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
You Might Also Like
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
3% human
97% stress
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹