observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
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Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
