obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
