obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
neighborhood watch
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
