obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
A short story of betrayal:
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
