obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
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[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I feel seen.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
those birds must be on payroll
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.