Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Roarrrr… get it?

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total

Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above

If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.