Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
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WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet