Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
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Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
it be like that
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours