Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”

You: “Why? What’s happened?”

Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

Its a hippotatomus

Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?

I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.

And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?

[police questioning a friend about my murder]

Police: Did he have any enemies

Friend: Boy did he ever

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

Super Hand Dog Face

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college

When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think