Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”

Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.

Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!

7: mom what’s chicken made of?

me: um, chicken

7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?

me: no…

7: how about our dog?

me: *rips up application to harvard*

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious

Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏

Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*

Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.

Her: oh.

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.