Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
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Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Software Development ⛵️
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Hey I worked for it too!
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that