Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
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fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had