Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
A friend sent me this.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
