Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
A leaf blower, but for people.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
