Obviously chocolate was created for women

It’s called HERshey, not HISshey

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All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.


Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.


I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice


A bee just landed on my cheek and didn’t sting me. I think we’re dating now.


Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.


I call my smoke detector gordon ramsay because it screams at me every time I cook


What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you


The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN


Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment