@Mr_Kapowski

Obviously chocolate was created for women

It’s called HERshey, not HISshey

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@girl_a_whirl

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

@Tmoney68

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

@Aflgirl126

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

@TheMichaelRock

A bee just landed on my cheek and didn’t sting me. I think we’re dating now.

@TravLeBlanc

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

@notfunnyelle

I call my smoke detector gordon ramsay because it screams at me every time I cook

@i_mthestorm

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

@NYC_Blonde

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

@emilyhughes

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment