Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
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fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.