Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
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Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
We need to put an American base on the sun
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Dietest Coke
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Creepy-crawlies
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.