Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
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Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Cha-ching is my safe word
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
After you read 5 tweets about fires, Twitter just gives you a certificate and a fire hose 😆
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.