Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
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*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained