Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…馃悎馃惥馃槄
You Might Also Like
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I鈥檝e hid both their bodies
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.