Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
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FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
me as a parent
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)