Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

Camel dough

Shower sex be like:

Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

[interview]

What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

Went to the spa* this morning!

*Opened my dishwasher during the drying cycle

MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.

Me: It’s cold out there today!

12: How cold?

Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright

12: *sighs*

6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?

Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)

(Later, 4:30pm)

6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?

Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”

When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics