Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
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Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I want this so bad
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.