Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

What a chick magnet..

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!

😆

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

#milo

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.