Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.

Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.

My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

sigh

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang

Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
——————————
|

Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?