Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.

You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.

Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.

Police say they have several leads

#Police

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.

Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.