LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
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How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
for all #parents out there
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away