Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:

Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.

HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully

PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.

July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.

ME:

HER: Please stop imagining all those things.

ME: Ok.

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.