obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
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My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
when nothing goes right… go left
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
bags with threatening auras
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…