obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
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I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
is it too early for christmas memes
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.