obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
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Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
☠️☠️☠️
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Me irl
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane