Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.

why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.

Only while supplies last.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”

Someone just threatened to call me later

I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

I’ve been drinking.

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.

Dishonest mechanic?

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.