Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.

Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?

Me: *stops the car* get out!

Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

I wonder if should download that Rednote app instead of tik tok and blow the Chinese’s minds about what an air fryer can handle

if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?

Bartender:

Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?

Bartender:

Me: Beer.

‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’

~dogs in therapy

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.

[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist

white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!

But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…

I said be quick about it!

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance