@byrdie_num_num
It’s now politically correct to award kids trophies for last place. On a related note, ‘trophy wife’ has become rather ambiguous.
@dorsalstream
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
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@byrdie_num_num
@Carmel_Coleman
Had a girl say “I want you to treat me like a virgin” So I sacrificed her to a tiki god and threw her in a volcano.
@KentWGraham
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
@stevevsninjas
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
@OutNumbMother
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
@PatsATweetin
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
@BraandoCommando
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
@neonwario
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
@_youhadonejob1
You Had One Job!
@Contwixt
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.