OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
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SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
My love language is deader than Latin
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.