OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.

OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew

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It’s now politically correct to award kids trophies for last place. On a related note, ‘trophy wife’ has become rather ambiguous.


Had a girl say “I want you to treat me like a virgin” So I sacrificed her to a tiki god and threw her in a volcano.


I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.


My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.


Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.


god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!

jesus: ya dad?

god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.


Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you

Me: I just have a hard time understanding

Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money


Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit


Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.