@dorsalstream

OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.

OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew

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@byrdie_num_num

It’s now politically correct to award kids trophies for last place. On a related note, ‘trophy wife’ has become rather ambiguous.

@Carmel_Coleman

Had a girl say “I want you to treat me like a virgin” So I sacrificed her to a tiki god and threw her in a volcano.

@KentWGraham

I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.

@stevevsninjas

My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.

@OutNumbMother

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

@PatsATweetin

god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!

jesus: ya dad?

god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.

@BraandoCommando

Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you

Me: I just have a hard time understanding

Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money

@neonwario

Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

@Contwixt

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.