Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

I hate to brag but I excel at my faults.

Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

[watching kids make snowman]

Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?

Wife: Yes…why?

Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.